These past 8 months I got to play a role in my play called the Thorn. Basically a character that was portraying the evil thoughts of people. There were 2 other Thorns besides me, and we learned how to be an invisible character whose goal was to ruin people's lives. This was by far the most challenging role I have ever played. I was hoping to play this evil role really well and then just run away from the character I had created, but... that's not what happened. I want to be vulnerable with you and share this story because I believe someone needs to hear it.
After the performance, I was hoping to never have to think about the Thorn character I had to play but that wasn't the case. After being a Thorn for 8 hours a day it almost became normal to imitate people and make all kinds of sassy and rude faces. I found in the days to follow I would find myself having Thorn thoughts inside my mind and even sometimes saying things out loud that I normally wouldn't say. It felt like this character had followed me into my everyday life and that became scary! People would tell me, "Ohhh that was the thorn side of you that I just saw." That made me realize that I would need God to come to help me turn off the voices of the Thorn in my life. our voices not blending well but we made it work. One of the strangest about our characters was harassing people but because we weren't in our costumes people wouldn't realize that we were playing the role of a thorn. It was a strange role to have but we gave it our best.
We spent lots of time acting together which was really special. Our director immensely helped us understand what it meant to have an evil role and what that would like.
As we began all-day rehearsals things started becoming more clear to me; being evil was hard, and I would really have to start thinking like a Thorn if I wanted to make this role convincing. My prayer along this whole journey is that God would use my role to show others just how wicked the evil force is and to not take the devil lightly.
I can think of one time after an all-day rehearsal I came home with these mix of emotions. I had really given it my all to try the best I could to be evil. Being evil is tiring! Believe me! I was under attack from Satan and I could feel it. Quickly, I started listening to my worship music to remind me of who God was and to meditate on Him. I woke up the next morning with what felt like a dark cloud surrounding me. It felt paralyzing. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake off this feeling that I had. I ran into the presence of Lord crying out for help!
My prayer that morning went like this:
"God, everyone expects me to come back on Monday and act evil, but right now I'm so worn out and scared that I'm not even sure if I can do that. I'm forgetting my lines and my ques and honestly feel like such a mess. I hate mocking your name. Lord, I don't even understand why I got this role. I am not qualified for this. It feels like the devil has defeated me, but I know this isn't true. Give me your strength this morning. I know nothing will ever separate me from your love! "
"Your presence is my greatest weapon Pushing back the darkness Breaking every chain My worship opens up the heavens Crushing every stronghold When I speak Your name 'Cause Your presence is my weapon Your presence is my weapon" - My Weapon by Natalie Grant
This song went through my headphones that morning and gave me great comfort. God was working through my role in the musical to grow me closer to Him.
After lots of prayers, reading God's truth, and hearing a wonderful message from my pastor, I felt like I could breathe easier. Of course, things were still difficult and I still struggled but I didn't feel like a dark cloud was surrounding me.
Tech week rolled around and when I saw the eye makeup us Thorns would wear I had a mini freak out moment as I realized I would not only have to act evil but I would also look evil. I smiled my way through 57 pins being put in my fancy updo in my hair and lots of green eye shadow being dabbed on my eyelids.
Being on stage all day became exhausting quickly but I had wonderful people checking in on me and making sure was eating food and drinking water.
Playing an evil role 8 hours a day becomes almost normal in one sense. It became a habit that the moment I was on stage I was no longer Hannah but Thorn 2.
Thursday was our opening night and as I walked into the theater I could feel all these butterflies in my stomach. Today was the day I had been waiting for! Thirty minutes after we arrived we were informed that because of the coronavirus we weren't allowed to have people come to watch our show that we had worked so hard for. We all broke down and started praying together. This show wasn't for our friends and family seeing it anymore but God. Our goal was always to do this for God but this became so much more real when we realized that we literally had no audience members except the stuffed animals (;
After the whole cast prayed together for 45 minutes and I was feeling okay after balling, I was hit with the reality that I had to still act evil... I couldn't bring myself to go and be mean to people after all Satan was doing to our cast. I told my friend, "I'm scared to go portray the devil after all he has done." I broke down again. Shaking and crying I looked at my friend and said, "I'm not sure how I am going to go be evil. Nothing in me can right now."
I struggled to get threw the 3 scenes we ran before getting our hair and makeup done for the performance we would do for God and a live stream.
Through that moment, I could hear God whisper in my ear, "I love you." I clung to that truth that I knew was so true. It was a crazy evening as we prepared for our show with now different expectations. We learned how to love each other better and do this play for God.
With lots and lots of prayer, we made it through this week all stronger than we walked into this play because of the ways Jesus was working in our hearts.
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. Psalms 30:11
I loved watching the way God took our pain and out came a beautiful play all because of His work through our lives. God was the one who got us through the play. It wasn't anything we could have done. It was His beautiful work!
I had a few people come up to me and tell me that watching the Thorns act helped them understand the weird voices that they were having inside their heads. They told me that it helped them understand the devil better so that they could better shield themselves. This encouraged my soul because this was my hope. I wanted my role in the play to point others to Christ!
After the performance, I was hoping to never have to think about the Thorn character I had to play but that wasn't the case. After being a Thorn for 8 hours a day it almost became normal to imitate people and make all kinds of sassy and rude faces. I found in the days to follow I would find myself having Thorn thoughts inside my mind and even sometimes saying things out loud that I normally wouldn't say. It felt like this character had followed
me into my everyday life and that became scary! People would tell me, "Ohhh that was the thorn side of you that I just saw." That made me realize that I would need God to come to help me control my thoughts and realize that I no longer needed to be evil but could live in the light of Christ.
With the grace of God, I am thankful to say that He has given me a new spirit of love and peace. I do not have the thoughts I once was having daily. It was scary to start thinking like a Thorn but I do think it was the devil trying to take a hold of me. The God I serve will never let the devil fully take over me and I'm so grateful that the Lord is always on my side!
Being an evil role this year taught me so much about the character of God and how much bigger and stronger he is then the devil. Nothing you or I face will ever be more than what God can handle. I can walk away from this role I had and truly say it was one of the most growing experience.
I want you to know that God can take something in your life that you are afraid of and turn in into something beautiful. Give it to the Lord and watch what He does!
Keep shining for Jesus!
~Hannah
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